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Aries: Mar.21 –
April 19
That fiery Aries nature is at it again! But this time, it's
the internal combustion that is burning. Watch your gas mileage
this week, and if it's too low, consider trading in the H2
for a hybrid. |
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Like a bull in Pamplona, your Hummer charges through traffic
on its way to the ring. But remember, dear Taurus, that the
matador usually wins. |
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
The twins need to be picked up from soccer practice, and
what better way than in an H2? Well, that depends: Is the
field accessible by a paved road? If so, then you should probably
stick with the minivan. |
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Cancer? You want cancer? With all the smog and air pollution
generated by all the Hummers on the road, there will be
plenty of cancer to go around. Plus asthma, acid rain and
other
good stuff. |
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
The lion will roar this week, but the sound of the Hummer
will drown it out. Face it Leo, the Cowardly Lion in The
Wizard of Oz needed a medal, and you need a car with
better gas milege. |
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Instead of that Hummer you secretly long for, think of buying
a mountain bike. You can take it on narrower trails; it won't
get dirty looks from your neighbors; and you'll burn calories
instead of fossil fuels. |
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Balance is, as usual, a major factor. In this case, however,
it's a pretty obvious choice: Your head knows a Hummer is
a bad idea, even if your ego is telling you otherwise. Once
you've weighed the options, the answer will be fair and balanced,
without Fox News. |
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Yes, Scorpio, your need to dominate the situation is apparent
again. Don't let it go to your head, though. Driving a Hummer
around the suburbs might seem dominating, but once you've
analyzed it, you're really just a pawn in big oil's chess
game. |
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
As a wanderer, you value the ability to go offroad every
now and then. But as a seeker of truth, you know the truth
of the matter is that the Hummer is really just a Chevy Tahoe
on steroids. How about a sturdy pair of hiking boots instead?
At $200 a pair, tops, you'll have $50,000 left over to buy
plane tickets for all the places you'll go. |
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Like a stubborn goat, Cappy, you will get to the top of the
mountain, even if it means using a 4x4. But your practical
side will take one look at the Hummer and see how ridiculous
it is, especially since the only mountains you're likely to
be climbing are the hills in your subdivision. |
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
You, of all people, should know better. Isn't that social
conscience Aquarians are known for screaming at you during
the commercial breaks on SportsCenter? You might be into sports,
but don't be victim of marketing. The next time you see a
Hummer commercial, change the channel. |
Pices: Feb. 19 – March 20
At more than 7,000 lbs, the Hummer will sink like a rock.
You are a fish. Swim straight past. |
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